Disclaimer: This is my opinion. If it differs from your opinion...that's why it's MY opinion. Don't get your panties in a twist.


Here's something I've recently come to understand. My high school years found me being quite musically snobbish, and here is my public apology.

There are two types of music in American culture. I say American culture because I don't know a whole lot about the music of other cultures...so, your average twenty-something (like myself) American generally has the choice between these two types of music.

1. Music that was/is intended to be good music (good being a relative term that varies depending on your tastes, obviously).
2. Pop music.

Let me explain Type #1.
Music that was/is intended to be good. I typically assign this label (I say label for lack of a better term, not to put things in boxes or to generalize) to music that is made to evoke emotions that don't revolve around the consumption of copious amounts of alcohol, or to music that has a rhyming scheme not based on the word booty. Now, there are obviously many exceptions. "I Am the Walrus", by The Beatles, is most obviously a drug song, and it was most definitely intended to be good, and it IS good. "Rapunzel", by Dave Matthews Band, is a relatively descriptive ode to pre-marital consummation, but it's totally awesome. Anyway, I'm rambling a bit...but what I mean is, this kind of music is supposed to make us FEEL something important, not just the desire to shake our groove thangs (which I am not opposed to in any way). Many quality bands and musicians fall under this category. One of my current favorites (excluding the two previously mentioned) is the British folk group Mumford & Sons. Their songs are unadulterated emotion, and quite varied in their emotional range.
Don't take this to mean that all emotion-evoking music has to be solemn or serious. That is most certainly not the case in any way. For example..."Sunshine", by Matt Costa, is pure light hearted happiness, and it's totally great. Emotions, even the quaint ones, are important to human existence. Arguably the most important.

Alright, Type #2.
Let me start by saying that up until very, very recently, I detested almost any type of pop music. I arrogantly discounted it as useless babble, created only to stir the pot of pubescent hormones running rampant amongst the young and the restless.
Now, I must say...I wasn't completely wrong. Lots of pop music is definitely not created with very...reputable intentions. But. On the not so rare occasions that I am in the mood to get my wholesome groove on...there's nothing I appreciate more than some Ke$ha, know what I mean?! I can get my "We Are Who We Are" on like nobody's bizznazz. Or, my personal favorite..."Party in the USA". Is this music intended to be taken seriously? No. No, it most certainly is not. At least, not by anyone with a brain. This may seem like a petty revelation to most of you, but to me, it totally opened up my musical experience. I can now listen to Katy Perry and feel no shame. Who cares if every single Bruno Mars song is almost identical in premise?! They're catchy as crap, and the most stoic of critics can't help but bump it while listening to Taio Cruz.


I'd love to sound like a true hippie and say something very 1967, like "Free your mind!" or something...but I enjoy personal hygiene far too much. So, I'll put it this way. Listen to what YOU want to listen to, whether it's "good" or not. I hate it when people follow do (or don't do) things just because it's popular to do (or not do) that thing. It's just as ignorant to NOT do something that you enjoy doing just because lots of people enjoy it. Being an individual is a personal thing, it has nothing to do with the collective mass if you're doing it right.

Now, I'm gonna get back to looking awkwardly unhip in this decidedly hip coffee shop. Dueces.

Leaning

What a fellowship, what a joy divine
Leaning on the everlasting arms
What a blessedness, what a peace is mine
Leaning on the everlasting arms

Oh, how sweet to walk in this pilgrim way
Leaning on the everlasting arms
Oh, how bright the bells toll from day to day
Leaning on the everlasting arms

What have I to dread, what have I to fear
Leaning on the everlasting arms
I have blessed peace with my Lord so near
Leaning on the everlasting arms


That's how I'm feeling right now.
Let me explain something to you, my friend.
I have nothing figured out. I have no answers. I am intellectually, emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausted.
But...the past couple of months, I've tried God...and you know what? He's been working. Now, don't think that I'm treating God like some kind of weight loss plan, trying Him on for size and seeing how much sin I can lose per week. That would be frustrating, I think. All I mean is...for twenty years (that's right, I'm officially two decades old...weird) I've tried doing things my own way, and it never worked out. If there is a God (and I think there is), then it only makes sense that my life would work better with Him in control. Right? I mean, if there really is an infinitely intelligent and loving being somewhere, or everywhere I guess, then it is most logical for me to do what I feel like He is calling me to do. Of course, that poses the issue that I'm believing in God for purely intellectual reasons, which I have no desire to do, mainly because I'm not even a smart dude. Christians, especially the evangelical sort, have this weird and annoying habit of using these abstract spiritual words and then never explaining them, such as "being saved", or "feeling God's presence", or "hearing from God". I suppose after being with YWAM for five months, I can at least define what all three of those things are "supposed" to look (or feel) like, but can I say that I've experienced all three?

Like, being saved. Am I saved? I'm initially inclined to say no, because the word "saved" is nothing but a recycled word used for far too long and by far too many hypocrites for me to take seriously. But...I have recently come to realize that my life is not my own, and that I need help that humans cannot provide. So, if that counts as being saved, then call me Billy Graham.

Have I felt God's presence? You know...I think I have. It's not something I can explain on a blog with plain words, or even eloquent words, as if I knew any. Maybe there are some things better left unsaid. I think sometimes Christians try to explain abstract experiences so much that they just confuse people all the more. I'm writing this pretty much for the sole purpose of getting the words out of my head and onto...paper, of sorts, so I'll let myself be content with my own experience of feeling God's presence.

I'm gonna have to think some more before I go on much more. This is stressful, haha.
I miss my UDTS friends, and my friends from YWAM Tyler. Five weeks, baby.

I feel as though I should apologize for my lack of consistent bloggage, but then again...it's not like I have a huge fanbase or anything, so I'll just say...my bad.

Here's a quick recap of the past fourish months of my life.
Out of sheer hopelessness and boredom, I decided to do what's called a Discipleship Training School (DTS) with a huge international missions organization called Youth With a Mission (YWAM). This is decidedly out of character for me, as I prefer avoiding things with deep spiritual implications, mainly because I'm a wuss, but also partly due to the fact that in all reality...I wasn't a Christian when I decided to do this school. So, I start this school in New Orleans on September 26th, 2010...and now it's January 23rd, 2011, and I'm sitting in a flat on the fourth floor of an apartment building in the town of Torrejon de Ardoz, which is essentially a suburb of Madrid, Spain. Crazy, eh?! It's been one hell of a ride, that's for sure. I'm not totally sure why I felt compelled to write a blog tonight, but I feel like I have something to get off my chest...so, we'll see what happens.

Four months ago, I didn't believe in God. You see, there's this thing called practical atheism, which is unfortunately a rather popular "religious" practice in today's society. Essentially, practical atheism means that I was professing to be a Christian with my words, but it was just that...words. Nothing more. God was no more real to me than Santa Claus or the Boogie Man. Arguably less real. It's a fact, not just an opinion, that a large portion of the church today is made up of practical atheists. Paradoxical? Indeed. Don't take this as me judging or condemning anyone, as I am certainly not. I'm just saying what I personally came from. Anyway...what I mean by all of this is that up until a few months ago, my views of God were nonexistant, in reality. I was coasting.
Today, as I sit in this flat in Torrejon de Ardoz, right outside of Madrid, Spain...my views have changed. Is there a God? I think so. Key word; think. I thiiiink so. Is it easy for me to think so? Never. Every single second of my life I struggle with doubt. One second, the concept of a creator God sounds like something out of a J.R.R. Tolkien book. The next second, I surmise that the world is so incredibly screwed up that the only hope we have is in a creator God. Tonight, as I go to sleep (which will undoubtedly be a laborious process due to my three hour nap earlier this afternoon), my incessantly bipolar brain will be racked with doubt and disbelief. And is this a bad thing? To an extent, I would say no. Real doubt makes real faith even more strong. A wise friend told me a while back that he would trust a man who had doubted and found out for himself more than a man that believed blindly. Do I "hear" the voice of God? Almost never. But, consider this. Prior to my DTS, my life really, really sucked. I was super unhappy. I mean, listening to Stevie Knicks made me cry...lame, right? Yeah, she's got a super ballsy voice, but I was a little ashamed of myself, haha. But, though these past four months of my life have been incredibly infuriating and insanely mind blowing...they have been THE BEST four months of my life. Most of the time, I would say that this is sheer coincidence. But is it? Maybe so. But maybe not. I don't really know. I do know that I have been granted an ample helping of grace, and as my dear friend John Mark McMillan would say "If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking."

So, yeah. I have a hard time with the concept of a God, but I also have a hard time with the concept of NO God. Frustrating, yes? YES. My head is always swimming. I have a lot of issues with Christianity, both traditional and evangelical (and probably with whatever is in between those two factions). I very much envy those of you who have complete faith, but I'd challenge you to make sure your faith is genuine, and not practically atheistic. Another wise friend of mine told me just a month or so ago that "inactive faith is not faith at all", which was a real kick to the junk for me. Anyway. Check yourself before you wreck yourself, that's all I'd recommend. The Bible says that God would rather us be cold than lukewarm. My current life is this crazy mix of hot and cold. Like Katy Perry.

Anyway, kudos to any of you who read all of that. I hope you guys are having a sick time with whatever you're doing. Much love.