Leaning

What a fellowship, what a joy divine
Leaning on the everlasting arms
What a blessedness, what a peace is mine
Leaning on the everlasting arms

Oh, how sweet to walk in this pilgrim way
Leaning on the everlasting arms
Oh, how bright the bells toll from day to day
Leaning on the everlasting arms

What have I to dread, what have I to fear
Leaning on the everlasting arms
I have blessed peace with my Lord so near
Leaning on the everlasting arms


That's how I'm feeling right now.
Let me explain something to you, my friend.
I have nothing figured out. I have no answers. I am intellectually, emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausted.
But...the past couple of months, I've tried God...and you know what? He's been working. Now, don't think that I'm treating God like some kind of weight loss plan, trying Him on for size and seeing how much sin I can lose per week. That would be frustrating, I think. All I mean is...for twenty years (that's right, I'm officially two decades old...weird) I've tried doing things my own way, and it never worked out. If there is a God (and I think there is), then it only makes sense that my life would work better with Him in control. Right? I mean, if there really is an infinitely intelligent and loving being somewhere, or everywhere I guess, then it is most logical for me to do what I feel like He is calling me to do. Of course, that poses the issue that I'm believing in God for purely intellectual reasons, which I have no desire to do, mainly because I'm not even a smart dude. Christians, especially the evangelical sort, have this weird and annoying habit of using these abstract spiritual words and then never explaining them, such as "being saved", or "feeling God's presence", or "hearing from God". I suppose after being with YWAM for five months, I can at least define what all three of those things are "supposed" to look (or feel) like, but can I say that I've experienced all three?

Like, being saved. Am I saved? I'm initially inclined to say no, because the word "saved" is nothing but a recycled word used for far too long and by far too many hypocrites for me to take seriously. But...I have recently come to realize that my life is not my own, and that I need help that humans cannot provide. So, if that counts as being saved, then call me Billy Graham.

Have I felt God's presence? You know...I think I have. It's not something I can explain on a blog with plain words, or even eloquent words, as if I knew any. Maybe there are some things better left unsaid. I think sometimes Christians try to explain abstract experiences so much that they just confuse people all the more. I'm writing this pretty much for the sole purpose of getting the words out of my head and onto...paper, of sorts, so I'll let myself be content with my own experience of feeling God's presence.

I'm gonna have to think some more before I go on much more. This is stressful, haha.
I miss my UDTS friends, and my friends from YWAM Tyler. Five weeks, baby.