I feel as though I should apologize for my lack of consistent bloggage, but then again...it's not like I have a huge fanbase or anything, so I'll just say...my bad.

Here's a quick recap of the past fourish months of my life.
Out of sheer hopelessness and boredom, I decided to do what's called a Discipleship Training School (DTS) with a huge international missions organization called Youth With a Mission (YWAM). This is decidedly out of character for me, as I prefer avoiding things with deep spiritual implications, mainly because I'm a wuss, but also partly due to the fact that in all reality...I wasn't a Christian when I decided to do this school. So, I start this school in New Orleans on September 26th, 2010...and now it's January 23rd, 2011, and I'm sitting in a flat on the fourth floor of an apartment building in the town of Torrejon de Ardoz, which is essentially a suburb of Madrid, Spain. Crazy, eh?! It's been one hell of a ride, that's for sure. I'm not totally sure why I felt compelled to write a blog tonight, but I feel like I have something to get off my chest...so, we'll see what happens.

Four months ago, I didn't believe in God. You see, there's this thing called practical atheism, which is unfortunately a rather popular "religious" practice in today's society. Essentially, practical atheism means that I was professing to be a Christian with my words, but it was just that...words. Nothing more. God was no more real to me than Santa Claus or the Boogie Man. Arguably less real. It's a fact, not just an opinion, that a large portion of the church today is made up of practical atheists. Paradoxical? Indeed. Don't take this as me judging or condemning anyone, as I am certainly not. I'm just saying what I personally came from. Anyway...what I mean by all of this is that up until a few months ago, my views of God were nonexistant, in reality. I was coasting.
Today, as I sit in this flat in Torrejon de Ardoz, right outside of Madrid, Spain...my views have changed. Is there a God? I think so. Key word; think. I thiiiink so. Is it easy for me to think so? Never. Every single second of my life I struggle with doubt. One second, the concept of a creator God sounds like something out of a J.R.R. Tolkien book. The next second, I surmise that the world is so incredibly screwed up that the only hope we have is in a creator God. Tonight, as I go to sleep (which will undoubtedly be a laborious process due to my three hour nap earlier this afternoon), my incessantly bipolar brain will be racked with doubt and disbelief. And is this a bad thing? To an extent, I would say no. Real doubt makes real faith even more strong. A wise friend told me a while back that he would trust a man who had doubted and found out for himself more than a man that believed blindly. Do I "hear" the voice of God? Almost never. But, consider this. Prior to my DTS, my life really, really sucked. I was super unhappy. I mean, listening to Stevie Knicks made me cry...lame, right? Yeah, she's got a super ballsy voice, but I was a little ashamed of myself, haha. But, though these past four months of my life have been incredibly infuriating and insanely mind blowing...they have been THE BEST four months of my life. Most of the time, I would say that this is sheer coincidence. But is it? Maybe so. But maybe not. I don't really know. I do know that I have been granted an ample helping of grace, and as my dear friend John Mark McMillan would say "If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking."

So, yeah. I have a hard time with the concept of a God, but I also have a hard time with the concept of NO God. Frustrating, yes? YES. My head is always swimming. I have a lot of issues with Christianity, both traditional and evangelical (and probably with whatever is in between those two factions). I very much envy those of you who have complete faith, but I'd challenge you to make sure your faith is genuine, and not practically atheistic. Another wise friend of mine told me just a month or so ago that "inactive faith is not faith at all", which was a real kick to the junk for me. Anyway. Check yourself before you wreck yourself, that's all I'd recommend. The Bible says that God would rather us be cold than lukewarm. My current life is this crazy mix of hot and cold. Like Katy Perry.

Anyway, kudos to any of you who read all of that. I hope you guys are having a sick time with whatever you're doing. Much love.